Letter

*This was a letter I wrote to myself during a mission trip I was helping with last summer. It's just a good reminder of how far I've come and how different my life is now. It's always interesting to find things like this...



God can’t be described on this piece of paper using this simple pen. The corners of your mind can’t begin to contain the thought of God. He is everything we see and feel, touch, taste, experience. Whether you believe He is there, He is. He is in every shadow, every roll of thunder, every crash of the smallest wave, and every step you take. God is in every heartbeat, every hug, every breath of wind, and every kiss of rain.

I saw all these things, not for you, but for me. I can’t begin to be a testimony of God’s love and healing if I myself can’t even feel it. How will I ever be a beacon of light to you if mu bulb is flickering uncontrollably? How will I ever lead you to God if I can’t even find it in me to reach into the depth of my soul and grab a mustard seed of faith to share? I can’t begin to share my soul because it’s broken, and I can’t fix it by myself.

I need Him—I need God to bend down, scoop up the pieces of my fractured self, and I need Him to mend me into something new. Something completely clean, something completely new, and something that isn’t ashamed to shout my faith and God’s Gospel from the mountaintops.

I am rivaled by youth half my age. Their faith can move a mountain, and my faith couldn’t upset a feather. I don’t stand up for God, and He needs that. He needs an army on the front lines, but I’m in the background, waving my hands and jumping up and down—but I feel so small that He doesn’t even see me. And that’s my fault. All of it. I can’t see the forest for the trees, and that scares me. That really scares me… because I feel all alone. I am the forgotten, sitting in the raven, being washed away by the waves He created. I’m powerless to stop the tossing, turning, and tumbling that my body and heart is being put through. I can’t make it stop, and I can’t take it.

I want the waves that throw me to be God’s arms, sweeping me up, carrying me, and embracing me. I want to hear His heart beating, loud as thunder. I want t hear his voice, clear in my head. I want to feel His power, enormous as a mountain.

But I can’t… or I won’t.

I’m too controlling for my own good, and I can’t let go long enough to feel or hear any of those things. When you feel as alone and fragile as this, it’s hard to believe that anyone could repair the damage you’ve created to yourself and to those around you.

But God isn’t just anyone. And not everyone is me.

Don’t be like me, dear friend. Don’t let yourself become dark and dingy inside. Don’t let your light be as easily extinguished as mine. Don’t let the crashing waves sweep you so far away from your center that you forget how or refuse to get back to His everlasting, unconditional, unwavering, unfailing, unshaken, unbroken love for you.

Pray… a lot, so you never forget the possibilities that lie within you with His help.

Think and be silent.

Listen hard for what God is telling you to do. He whispers, so don’t try to overpower His voice. It’s not easy to hear, but don’t be discouraged. He knows what you’re waiting for, and if you wait… He speaks.

Always remember that God’s timing isn’t your timing, so be patient.

I can’t describe God using words and this pen. There are no words to express that even come within a mile of the amazing presence that is God.